Saturday, 21 March 2015 00:00

Daily walk with the Broken (Kristina)

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It’s been almost two years. Here  I am. Living what I thought was my dream. A full time missionary. In an orphanage. If I ever thought I was a capable for this position, it was a lie. When hard times come,my weaknesses loom over me and I sink into , discontentment, and depression. I start  wishing I was doing something else, that I was somewhere else. Africa once again seems captivating and alluring. Lord, are you sure you want be to be a teacher here? Can I do something else? Like open an orphanage? Look at what Katie Davis did!  “It’s not about you, my child. It’s all about Me. This is all my work. Not yours and not Katies. My plans for you are bigger then what you can imagine for yourself. Be patient and trust in Me.” 


I had asked God  to put me with the hardest kids. I asked to have the hardest job. Yet when tough times come, I want to hide out in my bungalow. To be with teenagers 24/7 was not my idea of missions. God calls me to reach out to them. Why should I go visit them in their home? I saw them all day. “Go.” But they’re probably sleeping. I did my part already. “Go.” These visits turn out to be the most encouraging at times. In reaching out during my pain, i receive healing.

Here she comes, longing to get a hug and be told that she is loved. The most troubled little girl. Who always writes I love you on the board. Who always shows me her scratches, bruises and bumps, some which I cannot see. Who goes away to be alone, who puts her head done and doesn’t go to play with the other kids. this is what I came here for! For her, to love kids like her. I didn’t know the reality. I had a romanticized view of helping the hurting. I didn’t know that in coming close to the broken, it would hurt. I didn’t realize that it required so much humbleness, patience, and self sacrifice. I didn’t know that it required becoming weak. Like Paul who says,”to the weak I became weak that I might win the weak.”

And now she comes and hangs around. I feel irritated. This daily demand for attention draws me away. Cant she go play with the other girls. Its dinner time, she should be eating. Why is she here?  I hug but not from the heart. I am ashamed of my actions. What kind of a missionary am I?

Here is another student. One other I need to love but have a hard time accepting. He lashes out in anger and I fear to speak with him. How rude and disrespectful are his phrases at times! He smiles when he sees how angry I have become! How dare he! There is a deep pain inside of him. A hurt that has not been healed from his childhood. The beatings he received from his father. I know these things. I should be more understanding! Yet, I distance myself and don’t pursue a relationship with him. Lord, I’m done with Him“Why are you carrying this burden? My yoke is easy and My burden light. Trust me. I am the one in charge of changing hearts. Don’t take My role on yourself.”

Discouragement is my companion when I don’t trust the Lord. I am not the teacher these students need. I’m supposed to motivate and encourage them. I’m supposed to be positive and upbeat! Yet I am so often dragged down into the pits of depression and no site of my God given vision. How can I motivate if I myself need motivation?“My power is made perfect in weakness.” I cant do this job! Hidden pride. “Your’e right, you can’t. Without Me that is. I send you to do what you can’t do so that I get all the glory.” Isn’t it interesting how God sends us on an impossible mission, so that we stay dependent on Him? When will I accept the fact that I am unworthy, incapable, and weak? That my all is in Christ and it is in His power, His holiness, His joy, His willingness, that I should depend on. I long for the day when in the middle of my weakness I give Him the glory and rejoice in His perfect character!

To walk with the broken, while I myself am broken is a journey that is most rewarding in the end.

Read 910 times Last modified on Thursday, 04 June 2015 10:02

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